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| yesterday my bf broke up with me. we're back together. but it was terrible. i cried for hours, so hard i kept throwing up. i had a panic attack. and of course it's my own fault. i treat him like shit. i have to prove to him that i do love him or i'm gonna lose him for good. and i can't. ugh, i'm too hung up on him. i still can't stop thinking of the pain and i keep crying. i should be happy that we're back together. i am but still, idk what's wrong. | | |
| i really don't think i'm gonna last much longer at this whole living thing. | | |
| Before You Make The First Cut.Before you make that first cut remember. You will enjoy this. You will find the blood and pain release addictive. Even though you think you can make a few tiny cuts that aren't deep and will heal easily... They will get deeper. They will scar. They will take sometimes months to heal. And years for the scars to fade. IF you think you can limit the cutting to one area of your body think again... it will spread when you run out of skin. Be prepared to withdraw from others and live in a constant state of shame. Even if you are the most honest person ever to live... you will find yourself lying to the people you love. You will jerk back from your friends when they touch you as if their hands were dipped in poison. You will be terrified that they will feel something under the cloth of your shirt or because it just plain hurts so much to be touched. Be prepared to get so out of control you fear your next cut because you don't know how bad it will be. Just wait for 10 cuts to turn into 100....Be prepared for your entirelife to revolve around thinking about cutting ..cutting and covering up cutting. And just wait till that first time you cut "too deep." And you freak out because the blood won't stop... and you are gaping.... and you feel yourself shaking all over. You are having a panic attack and you are terrified but you can't tell anyone. So you sit there alone... Praying it will be ok, swearing you'll never let it go this far again... But you will, and further. Don't worry, you will learn how to take care of your cuts so that you can go deeper and deeper and avoid the ER. And the better you get at treating your cuts the deeper they get. You will lie to yourself and justify it when you find youself spending 20 , 30 or 50 dollars every time you go the pharmacy. You will feel the flutter of your heartbeat everytime you go to the counter to ring up your order. Butterfly strips... 3 or four different kinds of dressings... betadine... antibiotic cream... medical tape... scar reducers... You will tap your foot impatiently hoping the line will just move and no one will stare at you or wonder why you need all these things. And at the same time secretly hope someon will notice... someone who is standing in line with an armful of the same supplies... someone who understands but of course that never happens. Medical supplies won't be the only thing you spend all your money on. Be prepared to buy a new wardrobe... longsleeve shirts in summer colors, bracelets, wristbands , boots... gloves..the list goes on and on. You will start looking at everyone in a differnent way... Scanning their bodies for any signs of SI... just hoping that you might meet someone like you so you don't feel so terribly alone. You wont even think about it .. as your eyes scan their wrists & arms... hoping just hoping they will be like you.... But they are not. You will see their clean arms and feel terribly ashamed and alone. You will start doing a lot of things alone. You will always have to wash your laundry in private so know one sees the blood stains on your clothes and towels. You will always be cleaning up the blood.. Scrubbing your bathroom floor... wiping the blood of your keyboard... You won't be able to make it through a day without cutting.... Next thing you know you are in a public bathroom somewhere breaking open a scab with a sewing needle that you keep in your wallet for emergancies. When you get really desperate anything will be a cutting tool ...scissors...a car key...a needle ... a paperclip..even a pen. Doesn't matter what it is if you need to cut bad enough you will find something. Say goodbye to things you took for granted. Like wearing shorts or sandals...pedicures...sleeveless tops. A normal summer day at the beach or in a swimming pool will become a far off memory for you. Get ready to itch. Because you will itch and itch ..."so much you will look like you have fleas or a skin disease." You will become an expert on your body as you destroy it carefully.. You will dream about cutting... you will dream about being exposed. It will haunt you day and night and take over your life. You will wish you never made that first cut because while you absolutely HATE cutting... at the same time you love it and can not live with out it... so damn true. | | |
| oh and thanks for the comments and messages and stuff. i'll reply to stuff later probly. | | |
| i love him. but i can't help thinking that our relationship is just a waste of time. he lives across the country and i don't think my plans of moving back anytime soon are gonna go through. i can't even visit like i planned to. i have all these doubts. i'm not quite convinced that i'm the only girl. i feel like i don't matter sometimes and that he doesn't love me like he says. i can't knock the walls down and let him in. i know i'm a terrible gf but this is by far my worst. it's like even if we did live closer, like 5 hours like we would ifi moved back i don't think he'd be so commited on visiting me. i know he has work but when i move back i'm gonna be working and going to school. i can't be the only one and i think he'd be too busy or just not care enough to come see me sometimes. and i know he's not rich but still. idk. i just love him. i still am not comfortable with the thought of that. he makes it hard to feel anything less than love for him. i was with a dood for 1 year and 7 months + on/off for 2 years and i didn't feel the way i do now about a guy i've been with for 1 1/2 months. speaking of my ex...he's abusive and doesn't accept that me and him are done with and so i think he's coming out here again in a few weeks. everytime he comes i hafta see him cause he knows where i live. and everytime i end up in the hospital. i don't get what is so fucking terrible about me that i am abused by him, my mother, and 2 other ex's. what'd i do wrong? the only person in my life that has ever gave a fuck about me and loved me is fucking dead. blah. i can't wait until summer is over and swimming is done with so i can cut my wrists. i need to cut my wrists. not my stomach, sides, or back. my wrists. not even my leg or ankle. MY WRISTS. i was kinda talking to the boyfriend about cutting and stuff today and it was like he didn't care that i did it. i wish he'd motivate me to stop. it's bad enough i have comments from my mother like "you can't cut chicken but you can cut your wrists", "it's such a shame your suicide attempt failed", "one day you're gonna slip and kill yourself and you know what? i won't care", and stupid shit like that. i'm trying hard not to down like 2 1/2 months worth of lexapro, lamictal, and syraquel with some bacardi 151 mixed with a little smirnoff triple distilled vodka. i'm trying to hard. i don't think i even want to try anymore. i just want to do it. but i'm so scared of living through it again. sucks when you even fail at killing yourself. i need drugs too. i need to snort some coke, smoke some pot, pop/snort some oxycontin/vicodin/ecstacy/helium. the other night i drank from midnight to noon. it was great. the parts i can member anyway. cept my liver was kicking the shit outta me. i got told by a liver/kidney specialist 3 years ago that i have "a liver of an alcoholic" and since then my drinking has only gotten worse. i'm gonna end up like my daddy soon and be going to dialysis 3 times a week and be put on a transplant list. but really, i don't care. obviously if i'm still drinking. ugh. | | |
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